Shipping Policy

🚚 Shipping & Handling

(Or: How We Secretly Sneak Coffee Across State Lines for You)

At Conspiracy Coffee Company, we believe in one thing above all else: getting hot beans into your hands faster than a UFO disappears on camera. That’s why we work around the clock (well, business hours mostly) to ship your order with care, precision, and mild caffeine-induced urgency.

🛠️ Order Processing

Your order enters the high-security roasting bunker within 1–2 business days (excluding weekends and national cover-up holidays). Once your beans are prepped, bagged, and cleared for dispatch, you’ll get an email confirming your shipment.

Because you deserve to know when the payload is en route.

⏱️ Shipping Times

Once the birds are in the air (figuratively speaking), your order will typically ship within 1–2 business days.

However, if:

  • The deep state slows down our caffeine supply chain,
  • It’s peak season (e.g. Black Friday, Moon Landing Anniversary, etc.),
  • Or a swarm of caffeinated squirrels hacks our system…

...your order might take a little longer. If so, we’ll keep you in the loop via email.

📦 Shipping Rates & Delivery Estimates

We don’t believe in secret shipping charges. Your shipping cost will be clearly calculated and shown at checkout — no hidden fees, no black ops budget line items.

Estimated delivery times are just that: estimates. They begin once your order ships (not when you hit "Buy Now"). While we aim to be freakishly fast, a few factors are outside our control — weather, carrier delays, or the occasional portal opening.

🛰️ Tracking & Carriers

We partner with credible delivery conspirators like UPS, FedEx, and USPS — people who know how to transport packages without drawing too much attention.

Once your order ships, you'll receive a Shipment Confirmation email complete with a tracking number. (It’ll start working within 24 hours once the feds—I mean, carriers—update their system.)

🕵️ Need Help?

What to do if your beans have gone off the grid: Whether you need answers, reassurance, or someone to decode your tracking number, we’ve got your back. Email us at HQ@drinkconspiracy.com