Terms of Service

🚨 WARNING: THIS COFFEE MAY CAUSE ENLIGHTENMENT (ALSO SOME LEGAL STUFF BELOW)

Welcome to the underground lair of Conspiracy Coffee Company — a secure caffeine facility disguised as a website. By proceeding, you're agreeing to our terms, surrendering to our brew, and acknowledging that we’ve got your back... and maybe your data (but only with consent, we swear).

This covert agreement (“Terms of Service”, “Terms”, “The Sacred Grounds Treaty”) governs your access to all the mysterious tools, flavors, and flavor-enhancing theories we offer. Whether you’re a browser, a buyer, or a time-traveling bean whisperer, you're bound by the following classified protocols.

Please read carefully. Violating these terms may result in coffee withdrawal, loss of sense of humor, or mild legal consequences (whichever comes first).

SECTION 1 – ONLINE STORE TERMS ☕️🕵️ You must be of legal age to conspire with us. Don’t use our coffee for any unlawful plots (looking at you, decaf cultists). Breaking the rules means instant ejection from the bunker.

SECTION 2 – GENERAL CONDITIONS 🔒 We can refuse service to anyone acting suspicious. Your encrypted data might bounce around some networks. Don’t replicate our classified assets unless you’ve got express clearance.

SECTION 3 – ACCURACY OF INFO 📡 We do our best, but some info might be outdated or intercepted by rogue signals. Use your judgment. Don’t believe everything you read… unless it’s on this website.

SECTION 4 – MODIFICATIONS ☄️ Prices may shift like government cover stories. We may discontinue items without warning (including Flat Earth Roast if demand dips below sea level).

SECTION 5 – PRODUCTS OR SERVICES 🔬 Limited-run drops may vanish like secret files. Colors may appear different if you're using night vision goggles. If you’re not satisfied, contact us — we’ll sort it (without MK-Ultra, promise).

SECTION 6 – BILLING + ACCOUNT TRUTHINESS 💳 No funny business with your billing info. We reserve the right to cancel orders from suspected bots, shell corporations, or lizard people.

SECTION 7 – OPTIONAL TOOLS 🛠️ We sometimes link to third-party platforms. They’re not part of the coffee cabal. Use at your own risk. (Especially if they mention decaf.)

SECTION 8 – THIRD PARTY LINKS 🌐 We link out to others. We’re not responsible for what happens in the wild west beyond our digital fence. Proceed with browser caution.

SECTION 9 – USER SUBMISSIONS 📝 Got feedback or theories? Send ’em in. But know we may use them to further the coffee cause — with or without your tinfoil hat.

SECTION 10 – PERSONAL INFO 🔍 See our Privacy Policy for how we handle your data. TL;DR: We protect it better than the secret moon landing tapes.

SECTION 11 – ERRORS + OMISSIONS 🕳️ Mistakes happen. We correct them when spotted. If you see something strange, say something.

SECTION 12 – INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY 🧠 Our art, beans, blends, and branding are all trademarked, copyrighted, and hyperprotected by caffeine-fueled lawyers in black robes.

SECTION 13 – PROHIBITED USES ❌ Don’t use our site to do anything evil. That includes hacking, hate speech, or summoning ancient bean spirits.

SECTION 14 – DISCLAIMER & LIABILITY 💥 We provide all this “as-is.” No guarantees. We are not liable for how caffeinated you become or what truths you uncover.

SECTION 15 – INDEMNIFICATION ⚖️ If your actions cause a rift in the coffee matrix, you’ll need to hold us harmless and cover any damages.

SECTION 16 – SEVERABILITY 🧩 If a clause is bunk, the rest still stands. Like a good cup of coffee.

SECTION 17 – TERMINATION 💣 We can suspend your access if you break the pact. You can leave too (but we’ll miss you).

SECTION 18 – ENTIRE AGREEMENT 📜 This agreement is the whole truth. No secret handshake required.

SECTION 19 – GOVERNING LAW ⚖️ All disputes governed under international law (and caffeine jurisdiction).

SECTION 20 – CHANGES TO TERMS 🛸 We may update this without warning. Stay vigilant.

SECTION 21 – CONTACT US 📬 Questions? Suspicions? Prophecies? Contact us at: HQ@drinkconspiracy.com

END OF TRANSMISSION